Are you a fan of Sundays? All shops are closed, people are in their own world, the TV only offers reruns of bad shows. But it means less noise, more time to yourself, and hours to put to good use!
Today, I feel like sharing something personal (again!). You’ve been warned!
Hello… How are you?
I hate January. Ten years ago, my loving and sweet great-grandmother passed away. The post-holiday season is harsh and brings back reality. Prices go up on January 1st thanks to our government. I could go on.
But today’s post is not just about some January blues.
Today is about making sure those bad days/weeks/months don’t go bottled up in ourselves and make us explode one day for no apparent reason (I tend to do this once in a while and it’s no fun for anyone, especially those around us. Because, of course, you can’t let your feelings go just when an idiot cuts the road in front of you and you need all the strength in your lungs to shout insults at him. What, you don’t do that???)
‘Hi, how are you?’
Have you spoken those words recently? I am sure you will. But did you really mean them? Were you ready for a different answer than the correct ‘yes, and you?’ expected reply.
When I ask this simple question, I mean it. I’m no better than anyone else. I just blame my hypersensitivity and devouring empathy for that. Your problems become mine and I do my best to help. I am lucky to know people who care, too. With kindness, they help me go through whatever is going on. Few are the people I confide in, though. I don’t want to be the boring whining girl who always has a problem.
Do you have someone you can turn to and truly vent? Someone who doesn’t run the other way when you open your heart and share your problems? I hope you do. If you don’t, you should know there is probably someone around who wants to help but doesn’t dare. I know I fall into this category. I am not good at striking up a conversation with people I consider my online friends. I don’t want to bother them, I don’t think they’d want to talk about their problems with me, I am not sure I can make them smile, I don’t know if I can come up with interesting things to say. I’ve already talked about it, but I feel it is connected with today’s particular subject.
Make the effort. Open that conversation on your laptop, your phone, or in the street (Yes, it’s an advice to myself!)
‘Hello. How are you?’
This Sunday is all about admitting you’re not okay. I’ve been rehashing in my mind a conversation I had with one of my closest friends about how an illness make us more prone to mood changes and how we struggle to live with them. It is difficult to explain that you’re feeling all shiny and bright in the morning, only to be down and close to tears a few hours later. But it’s okay. And it doesn’t have to come from being ill.
We’re all allowed to feel down, to be moody, to feel as if you want to strangle the next person who says ‘anything can happen with effort and work’ because a whole inside of you is whispering that it won’t happen to you, or that you are not good enough.
These days, I am guilty of escaping life by jumping from one book to another to forget I can’t make things happen and to avoid that voice that says it’s because I’m lazy. It’s a crazy voice, usually one that resembles an old teacher you hated.
‘Hello, how are you?’
Today, the sky is clear. The rain has gone. But the clouds remain in my head. I feel awful being away from my friends. I feel useless because things are not going well for my plans. I feel bad because I am impatient and make mistakes.
Hi, how are you?
I’m not looking for sympathy. I just don’t want others to feel this way and feel alone. I wish there was a magic spell you make you feel better when peanut butter fails but they haven’t found one yet.
Do something that makes you happy. Take a bath. Grab a book. Binge-watch your favourite TV show (except if it’s Grey’s Anatomy cos you’ll probably cry a million times). Go for a walk. Talk to someone.
I don’t feel at my best, so I am writing this. I will be posting, with a nagging doubt that I shouldn’t share so much. Some might think this is a self-pity post and that I should get a grip. That vulnerability doesn’t look good and if I wanted, I would do what needs to be done to see things happen. I say ‘life is more complicated than that, even with my beautiful hair.’ If I need to share, so be it. This post is a way to lift a weight off my chest, and it might help someone. Who knows? Therefore I will publish this anyway because writing makes me feel better. Then I’ll run a bath and use my beauty products. I’ll be a Barbie for an hour. After this, I’ll grab my blanket and a book. Each minute feels like an hour, but I fight this feeling with every available weapon until I shut that bad mouth up and feel okay again.
And tomorrow, I’ll ask: ‘How are you?’ and I hope to be there if you need me.
Here’s a rainbow. I tried to catch the unicorn running on it but she was too fast…
Ps; I’m not sure I’m making much sense today, but it’s okay. Life doesn’t make much sense anyway!