Unplanned Personal Ramblings: Breathe In, Breathe Out

Sometimes I write. I don’t pretend to be good at it, I just want to put words on emotions to let them go. I feel tired today, and thinking of my friends presenting their thesis is part of the reason this Tuesday is a little harder than every other one. So for the first time, I am sharing something I wrote. This is not a review. Neither a post about anxiety and how I deal with it. I don’t even know what it is. But it is how I feel today.

I am not looking for sympathy or whatever, I just have a feeling sharing, putting it out of my mind and my laptop folder will help me move forward. Everything passes.

So here it is.

Even on the brightest days, cloud can appear in your head. Like the ones in the sky, they slowly invade your space, creating a veil between you and the world, and the shadow they project falls on your emotions, making them wake up and stir. The slightest word, eye-contact or sigh is painful and you wonder when it went wrong. You feel paper-thin, ready to fly with the lightest breeze. You question everything you think and feel. You wonder where your strength has gone and hope it is not stuck in a queue at the Starbucks.

But you are an adult. You can’t sit and put your head down. You can’t go back to bed and wait for someone to make it better. So you sit a little tighter. Your smile might not reach your eyes today. It is okay. Just as long as you keep going. Despite the dull pain in your chest, the little voice in your mind repeating over and over again that this is a big mistake and you don’t belong, that you don’t have what it takes.

You breathe in, you breathe out.

You hope someday you will find the way to rely on your confidence not to be swayed by anyone’s words or judgement, that you will be able to accept you can fail, make mistakes, without it tainting forever what people think about you. One day you will stop caring about what others think and grow.

They say it takes a lifetime. You got to live it to get to it.

You breathe in, you breathe out.

You hate yourself for thinking others have it easy. You blame yourself for not being clever enough, not being pretty enough, not being perfect enough.
Your thoughts are taking control, sending hateful messages to your emotions, making you feel like a dead flower in the middle of a sunflower field.

Take those thoughts, burn them.
Take those ashes, walk on them.
Breathe in, breathe out.
You are enough.

There is so much defining you. The sun always gets rid of the darkness.
Open the window.
Fly.

You are perfect as long as you keep going.

Holding on to this and going back to my day. I hope each and everyone of you is okay today.